


Goner

by blue_noize



Category: DRAMAtical Murder - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Confusion, Depression, Explicit Language, Figuring Yourself Out, Internal Monologue, Multi, One Shot, Polyamory, Short One Shot, Story based on experience, fem!Aoba, pansexuality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-26
Updated: 2015-08-26
Packaged: 2018-04-17 08:30:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4659756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blue_noize/pseuds/blue_noize
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Female Aoba fanfic about her confusion about who she is and what she should do to express how she sees herself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Goner

**Author's Note:**

> OKay, take a moment with me, guys. I've been noticing a lot of stuff about myself, and I've been meaning to tell someone and get some advice and everything, but I am very bad at saying things that need to be said, so I decided to write a one shot fanfic that mirrors my own personal experience as a way to help explain things. This is going way off of the canon and has NOTHING to do with the DRAMAtical Murder series whatsoever. I am using characters I am comfortable with to help say the things that need to be said. I know that this is going to be a big mush of feelings and babbling and you might not want to read it, but I had to say what I needed to get off my chest.
> 
> I was listening to Goner by Twenty One Pilots and it seemed to fit what I was feeling....

I'm a goner.  Somebody catch my breath.

 

 

* * *

It's hard, you know?  Feeling like you don't know who you are...?  For someone like me, knowing who you are is one of the hardest things to do.  I'm weak, you know?  

My name is Aoba, and I grew up as a straight female who believes in monogamy.  But is this who I REALLY am?  I don't think so.

The real me....the one that I have never told anyone is that I am a pansexual, polyamorous person who identifies as a girl (and yes, I've got "lady parts"). 

You go through life having people tell you who to be, what to wear, what to say, and what to think.  So how are we ever able to really distinguish who and what we are?

How do you tell the person you have spent the last two years of your life with that you want to be with someone else, too?  What do you do when they believe that people living a polyamorous lifestyle are essentially "cheating on" the person they are with?  How do you tell them that you are part of that category?  That is the dilemma I am now living with.  Do I bare my soul?  Or do I keep it hidden?

Let me explain....

I have been in a very serious relationship with Noiz for two years now.  And I love him sooooo much, its unreal.  We've been through so much and I could never give him up.  He is such an integral part of me.  He knows every inch of me.  But...recently, I've been thinking about my past relationships.

Throughout my life, I have always had an issue with staying with one single person.  I am a very serious person in relationships and would never cheat on ANYONE.  But I would always find myself being unsatisfied and unhappy in a monogamous relationship.  That is something I always keep hidden, you know?  Because a lot of people don't like to date people who seem unsatisfied with one person.  And I don't know how to tell Noiz all this.  Some people say it should be easy?  You know?  But its not.  Its the HARDEST thing you will never dream of doing... 

I'm babbling.  I do that when I'm nervous.  

And that brings me to the other person I would love to spend my life with.  His name is Clear...and he's everything I could have ever wanted.  A mixture of sweet and geeky, but able to protect what needs protection.  We've known each other for years.  He's my best friend, and I love him.  I love him the same amount that I love Noiz.

Its so hard to explain all of this in a way that makes fucking sense.  Because preferences like these are always the hardest to explain.  Unless you are pansexual or polyamorous as well, you probably will find this very confusing and a little jumbled together.  But that's how my mind and my heart are right now.  I sit here, on the floor with a giant cup of coffee, chocolate, and Cheddar Fries, drowning myself in music and writing so I can someone get a grip on my emotions....at 5 in the morning.

I want to be with and love them both!  Why is it so hard to believe!?  Why it is so hard for you to understand that people are not all the same!?  Why the fuck do I have to be so confused all the time.....?

Who am I?

Let me bring you back a week or so....

I am an avid reader.  I read everything I can get my hands on.  Recently, I read a story about a girl who identified as a boy who was dating this one boy that "he" had been with for a very long time, but also wanted to date this other guy who knew "he" was polyamorous but didn't know that "he" was biologically a girl.  "He" was dating one and the other at the same time while the boyfriends both knew about each other but were not dating each other, only the "boy."  (Sorry about the way I qouted the words, it was the only way to really explain the story.)  And personally, the situation seemed so similar to how I really am, so I decided to ask Noiz what he thought about the matter.

The answer he gave me after I tried to explain what polyamory was, "So its cheating."  And after he said that, I was so scared to tell him what I really thought.  I don't want him to feel like I don't love him anymore, because I do.  I REALLY do.  

Because its not fucking cheating.  I don't know how many times I have to say that for people to get it.  ITS NOT FUCKING CHEATING.

But what do I do...?  I don't know anyone else who shares the way I am.  I don't have anyone to talk to about it.  I love them both, and I want to be with them both.  And its not one of those, "If you fall in love with a second person, choose the second because it means you never truly loved the first to begin with."  Because I know what that is like, but this definitely is NOT IT.  

Clear is comfortable with all this.  He's my best friend, and I tell him everything.  He knows EVERYTHING about me.  And I have told him how I feel about him and about Noiz and all that....but Noiz is different.  He doesn't understand polyamory.  Like he accepts people who may feel like that, to a point.  But I have no idea how he will react to all this.  I know I should tell him...but how do I tell him.  My heart feels like it is torn in two.  I want one thing, but I want another thing at the same time.  I don't know what to do.

Drabbles is what this is.  I don't know what to say to get my point across, but if this keeps on, I'm a goner.  I can't seem to catch my breath...can someone catch it for me and help me?  Because if I don't find a way to figure all my feelings out, my soul with crumble to dust...and then I'll be gone.

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize to everyone who decided to read this. It sounded a lot better in the summary and tags, but this is, in reality, my own feelings. I just find it easier to write through someone else's point of view. So...please don't judge, alright? Feeling the way I do is the hardest thing I have ever faced.


End file.
